Stress

This is really starting to take it's toll on my physically.

Work has been putting me through a lot of stress as of this past week (and don't get me started on the SCHIP renewal Act I'm having to review) and I guess this weekend just has pushed me over the physiological edge. I guess this is the end result of rarely expressing myself.

Despite everything I can't bring myself to cry...I'd like to...but just really can't. Now I've got massive nausea and my usual lower back problems are paying me their semi-annual visit early. On top of all of this I've got to fly to LA for the day this Wednesday which will be a very long and boring day.

I find myself torn between wanting companionship and wanting to just be left alone, between talking to someone about how I feel and just ignoring it, between wanting to just kill off all emotions and embracing them.

Here's hoping I'm still employed Wednesday night...

Yit-gadal V'yit-kadash

So that now that I'm drunker than I've been in recent memory (although one could make the argument that if I were to be this drunk I may not actually recollect) I guess I'm for a change drunk enough to actually be open about how I feel.

This is why I tend not to give a damn about people or let them into my life...they keep dying.

For those that don't know, 'Zanne, 'Zette and I used to have a poly going on but we ended it for the good of several things. She's not the first ex of mine to die but I can't say we weren't still close (for obvious reasons). So between that, shit at work, and my personal life, this past fortnight has been an emotional roller coaster of immense proportions.

All in all, I'm very luck to have the friends that I do. While I do not have may that I care for in the valley many friends from back in the days of yon did take the time to check in on me and keep me sane and to all of you I give my thanks.


Next year at the tree ne?

"What a Day it Has Been"

Last night a dear friend of mine and singer that I play with chose self-euthanasia. She's had MS and it finally reared it's ugly head and given that she chose to end her life, which I can understand.

Her body is being sent back to her family in Russia for burial but we had our own small service and wake this morning. I was asked to give the eulogy which was 9 kinds of awkward and rushed but it wasn't like I could say no. Then we had the wake...

I was the most reserved one there (big surprise ne?) given that I fully support euthanasia and I could understand this for what it was. Everyone else was just confused, hurt and angry and my relative lack of emotion made me well, a target I guess. Everyone was getting plastered or stoned at the wake so I only stayed for a few hours or so, we played a few songs to send her off and then I left...

I get home and then I feel like I'm walking out of "The Would Be Gentleman." Jill got drunk and was wanting to fight....so of course I get called back there to try to calm her down...WTF?

Let's face it, dealing with emotional people is not my thing. She's drunker than I can ever recall being, runs up to me to start hammering her fists on my chest in that ever so cliché female way then hugs me and starts crying, then asks me to fuck her, then passes out...so I laid her on the couch and got the hell out of there.

I'm just really pissed off right now. They all seemed to think that because I wasn't running around crying my eyes out with my heart bleeding upon my sleeve that I was perfectly able to be a shoulder to cry on for them. Granted I know that I don't exactly have emotions like most people do but I still have them.

And in an irony of timing this really relates to the squabble Katie and I had yesterday afternoon where she was criticizing me for "never letting anyone into my life" and while that is for the most part true there is a reason for that...most people I've met throughout my life are walking wastes of nucleotides that should have been drowned at birth or scandalous momzers that I can't depend on and are thusly ignored. Granted, this has a downside as the only person that I probably would talk to is off getting some old, embarrassing ink altered but quite frankly I'll deal.
Will it be in the most healthy way? Probably not, but that's just who I am and I'm really starting to get sick of people thinking that I'm broken and need fixing.

Yes, I am cynical. Yes, there have been some things in my life that I will probably never get over. But I still get out of bed each morning and face life with all the shit that it entails and I have no plans on using a revolver to reorganize my cranium so I'll just sum it up with this:

If you want to talk with me, that's fine, call...If you want to burden me with your opinions of how fucked up I am...sod off and keep them to yourself...

Leg deinen Kopf an meine Schulter...

Semaine passé quand j'ai bu trop j'ai demandé un question à une jeune fille dans une chision. Nous avons eu un peu des rendez-vous et je crois qu'elle est une fille que je peux passerai des temps avec dans une contexte plus formale mais elle n'est pas prépare pour ca.

Las, je peux ecouter une chansone de Mark Knophler (mais je préfère l'arrangement par Amy Ray)...c'est ma vie, non? Je crois que c'etait que mon amie Shawn appele un <> (Comment on ca dit en francias? Je ne sais pas).

Vraiment, je ne suis pas en train de chercher d'une copine mais je peux me voir 'vec elle si le future ce poser, mais je ne crois pas qu'elle peut.

Je dois decider pour la quitterai et me garder ma sante ou prende le risque. Dans la passé, en ces situations je retainer mes espers et j'ai été blessé avant la fin.

Qu'est-ce que je dois fair?

Je ne sais pais et je crois que je dois reste & croire plus.