Words of Wisdom?

Due to the many suggestions I have started on my memoirs and have been making notes...due to demand I am sharing some brief notes from one section.

Reverend's Treatise on Dating:

1) As any man knows, fights between women can get downright nasty and brutal, therefore, it is imperative that any man should commit to memory the following two phrases:

None of my business

and

Not my problem

2) Based on my experience when women get defense no good can come out of anything further that you say. Having said this, I recommend that you interpret anything else you hear as "exit stage left, followed by a bear"

3) Apologies are usually a good idea but not always. There are indeed times when the words "I'm Sorry" will do nothing but fan the flames. But stay calm and don't stress trying to figure out when those times are, simply because it's impossible to really know until the fecal matter intersects with the oscillating air handler.

4) There is some truth to the aphorism that all women are insane, but only as a subset of the fact that all people are insane. I'm not even going to try to attempt to bullshit that we possessors of y chromosomes are by any means sane. Having grown up as males and with other males we are more used to our own particular forms of insanity. I mean come on, grown men stressing over who can throw a ball the best?

5) Honesty is not always the best policy. Don't interpret this to mean "what she doesn't know won't hurt me" but just bear in mind that not all women want to be told that it's not the skirt making her arse look fat.

6) Relax, sometimes it is just her.

7) Oh who the hell am I kidding, if it really is just her you're screwed.

8) ...and don't forget that it can just as easily be your asinine self.

9) Never hesitate to give of yourself. It can be done much more often than giving of your wallet and will be more appreciated.

10) As a corollary to the above, if you're with someone who doesn't appreciate when you give of yourself, jump ship. Few things in life are as frustrating as not being appreciated. (on a side note the ones that don't appreciate things also seem to be the one's to complain about chivalry being dead)

11) If you're going to cook, actually cook, don't slack off and make her do all the work.

12) When you think you have her figured out, pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to a cold beer and have a good laugh at your ability to bullshit yourself.

13) Hold open doors. Do I really need to explain this?

14) She's had sex with other people before you, in fact that mouth you are kissing has probably had a few cocks in it. If you really can't handle this fact, you've got more issues than I can cover here. Everyone has a past, even you. If you're an adult chances are quite rare that you're going to find a virgin, and besides (again, based on personal experience) they're overrated. I'd prefer someone that actually knows what they're doing.

15) On the subject of sex....GET YOURSELF TESTED REGULARLY. To fail to do so is to be irresponsible and disrespectful to anyone you shall sleep with in the future.

16) Also, realize that not every woman out there loves giving blowjobs or taking it up the arse..ask yourself...is it really that big a deal?

17) And early on, do yourself the favour of asking what's on her "no list"...this can save much pain and grief down the road.

18) Be nice to her friends even if you can't stand them...especially if you can't stand them. They were around before you and will probably outlast you. If you give a damn about her you don't want all of her friends that she goes to for advice telling her what a bastard you are.

19) Don't try to impress. Most people are to hamhanded about it and it seems to work much better when your actions, deliberate or not are impressive.

20) Relationships require sacrifice so do not hesitate to sacrifice to compromise. At that same time, be sure that you're not the only one making sacrifices.

21) Don't be that jealous possessive guy. Either you trust her or you don't. If you don't, why are you with her anyway?

22) Some of your friends will think she's hot, take this as a compliment.

23) Some of your friends will think she's downright ugly...don't get upset, everyone has their own tastes.

24) Every so often go all out for a date. Dinner and a movie is lame and routine. Go to a nice restaurant, maybe followed with a carriage ride or an evening of dancing, when going all out remember what she likes to do.

25) Listen. This can be very painful and dull, but not nearly as bad as the consequences of not listening.

26) When you're bored, consider leaving. It's stupid for you and unfair to her to continue when you're not really there.

27) Be yourself, especially when meeting family and friends of said woman. Just tone some things down, if you're not sure what to tone down...ask a friend...and grow up....

28) Save the abortion jokes...it's hit or miss with a female audience and the misses are more common and bigger.

29) Occasionally ask yourself what you are wanting and if you are getting it. This saves you confusion, heartache and is a great tool for defining your relationships.

30) Listen to your female friends more than your male friends.

31) And if she has a problem with you having female friends, jump ship.

32) Do not be afraid to say "I love you"...but only if you know you mean it.

33) And for gods sake, don't say it for the first time during sex.

35) And on the subject of sex, make it about her...trust me...this is well worth the effort.

36) Keep everything in perspective. Accept that life will not always be a walk in the park and always look on the shiny side of things.

37)...and when you're single and at the bar and you see that hot blonde on her own, remember that somewhere out there some guy is sick of putting up with her shit.

38) Never look to settle down, when you do that you settle. Take life one day at a time and you will eventually find someone you will want to settle down with. When you look, you take what you can get instead of letting life happen.

39) It's imperative to find common ground musically. If for nothing else no common ground here can make time in a car a living hell. There will either be silence or a constant back and forth between what you consider good music (say, The Who) and what she considers good music (Say, Maroon 5 ::shudder::).

40) Don't be a doormat, but don't be the one walking over one either.

41) Always try to make her laugh.

42) Try to remember what stories you've told her, this way maybe you can avoid boring the shit out of her.

43) Don't talk about work.

44) Try to learn one thing from her ever day. Unless she's an idiot and you prefer your women dumb. But if that's the case you're probably not going to take a damn thing from this anyway.

45) Try not to fall in love with your friends...this can lead to 9 kinds of awkwardness and can end friendships

46) And don't fuck your friends, but feel free to bang the ever living hell out of your acquaintances. Remember that a true friend is worth a thousand fucks.

47) And remember that most of this is bollocks, no two women are alike and there is no magic advice...