Today I had a conversation with someone that just was, shall we say...interesting.
Replaying it in my head I can hear (in the voice of Toshiro Mifune no less) saying, "Karma, ne?"
I wrote out several written replies but, per usual filed them circularly.
I have been accused of having an interesting life, and while I won't argue with it I sometimes doubt the logic of "Fuck those people. Wanna have an adventure?"
While cooking dinner a found the scant remenants of a bottle of grey goods in my freezer and decided to mix of a pair of my legendary "three-pipers" and wound up (not very well mind you) playing "Simon Zealotes" on my guitar which was amusant ("To conquer death you only have to die").
I keep thinking "waiting is until waiting is filled" but then again, I'm an impatient bastard.
On another note, tomorrow is Elle's yahrzeit. Listening to JCS reminded me of screwing with some fundies by playing selections from that (great music for the bass guitar). One concert I have a great memory of is of us standing on stage, both with shaven head and wearing damn near matching outfits and while my singing "lay your bets on this wheel of mine" et al fades in to her belting out those high notes. (although let's face it...damned for all time is more of a fitting song for me)
Tomorrow shall be a tough day, but I suppose I'll cope like I always do, light a candle, take a shot, say kaddish, pick up my guitar and play until I bleed.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Words of Wisdom?
Due to the many suggestions I have started on my memoirs and have been making notes...due to demand I am sharing some brief notes from one section.
Reverend's Treatise on Dating:
1) As any man knows, fights between women can get downright nasty and brutal, therefore, it is imperative that any man should commit to memory the following two phrases:
None of my business
and
Not my problem
2) Based on my experience when women get defense no good can come out of anything further that you say. Having said this, I recommend that you interpret anything else you hear as "exit stage left, followed by a bear"
3) Apologies are usually a good idea but not always. There are indeed times when the words "I'm Sorry" will do nothing but fan the flames. But stay calm and don't stress trying to figure out when those times are, simply because it's impossible to really know until the fecal matter intersects with the oscillating air handler.
4) There is some truth to the aphorism that all women are insane, but only as a subset of the fact that all people are insane. I'm not even going to try to attempt to bullshit that we possessors of y chromosomes are by any means sane. Having grown up as males and with other males we are more used to our own particular forms of insanity. I mean come on, grown men stressing over who can throw a ball the best?
5) Honesty is not always the best policy. Don't interpret this to mean "what she doesn't know won't hurt me" but just bear in mind that not all women want to be told that it's not the skirt making her arse look fat.
6) Relax, sometimes it is just her.
7) Oh who the hell am I kidding, if it really is just her you're screwed.
8) ...and don't forget that it can just as easily be your asinine self.
9) Never hesitate to give of yourself. It can be done much more often than giving of your wallet and will be more appreciated.
10) As a corollary to the above, if you're with someone who doesn't appreciate when you give of yourself, jump ship. Few things in life are as frustrating as not being appreciated. (on a side note the ones that don't appreciate things also seem to be the one's to complain about chivalry being dead)
11) If you're going to cook, actually cook, don't slack off and make her do all the work.
12) When you think you have her figured out, pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to a cold beer and have a good laugh at your ability to bullshit yourself.
13) Hold open doors. Do I really need to explain this?
14) She's had sex with other people before you, in fact that mouth you are kissing has probably had a few cocks in it. If you really can't handle this fact, you've got more issues than I can cover here. Everyone has a past, even you. If you're an adult chances are quite rare that you're going to find a virgin, and besides (again, based on personal experience) they're overrated. I'd prefer someone that actually knows what they're doing.
15) On the subject of sex....GET YOURSELF TESTED REGULARLY. To fail to do so is to be irresponsible and disrespectful to anyone you shall sleep with in the future.
16) Also, realize that not every woman out there loves giving blowjobs or taking it up the arse..ask yourself...is it really that big a deal?
17) And early on, do yourself the favour of asking what's on her "no list"...this can save much pain and grief down the road.
18) Be nice to her friends even if you can't stand them...especially if you can't stand them. They were around before you and will probably outlast you. If you give a damn about her you don't want all of her friends that she goes to for advice telling her what a bastard you are.
19) Don't try to impress. Most people are to hamhanded about it and it seems to work much better when your actions, deliberate or not are impressive.
20) Relationships require sacrifice so do not hesitate to sacrifice to compromise. At that same time, be sure that you're not the only one making sacrifices.
21) Don't be that jealous possessive guy. Either you trust her or you don't. If you don't, why are you with her anyway?
22) Some of your friends will think she's hot, take this as a compliment.
23) Some of your friends will think she's downright ugly...don't get upset, everyone has their own tastes.
24) Every so often go all out for a date. Dinner and a movie is lame and routine. Go to a nice restaurant, maybe followed with a carriage ride or an evening of dancing, when going all out remember what she likes to do.
25) Listen. This can be very painful and dull, but not nearly as bad as the consequences of not listening.
26) When you're bored, consider leaving. It's stupid for you and unfair to her to continue when you're not really there.
27) Be yourself, especially when meeting family and friends of said woman. Just tone some things down, if you're not sure what to tone down...ask a friend...and grow up....
28) Save the abortion jokes...it's hit or miss with a female audience and the misses are more common and bigger.
29) Occasionally ask yourself what you are wanting and if you are getting it. This saves you confusion, heartache and is a great tool for defining your relationships.
30) Listen to your female friends more than your male friends.
31) And if she has a problem with you having female friends, jump ship.
32) Do not be afraid to say "I love you"...but only if you know you mean it.
33) And for gods sake, don't say it for the first time during sex.
35) And on the subject of sex, make it about her...trust me...this is well worth the effort.
36) Keep everything in perspective. Accept that life will not always be a walk in the park and always look on the shiny side of things.
37)...and when you're single and at the bar and you see that hot blonde on her own, remember that somewhere out there some guy is sick of putting up with her shit.
38) Never look to settle down, when you do that you settle. Take life one day at a time and you will eventually find someone you will want to settle down with. When you look, you take what you can get instead of letting life happen.
39) It's imperative to find common ground musically. If for nothing else no common ground here can make time in a car a living hell. There will either be silence or a constant back and forth between what you consider good music (say, The Who) and what she considers good music (Say, Maroon 5 ::shudder::).
40) Don't be a doormat, but don't be the one walking over one either.
41) Always try to make her laugh.
42) Try to remember what stories you've told her, this way maybe you can avoid boring the shit out of her.
43) Don't talk about work.
44) Try to learn one thing from her ever day. Unless she's an idiot and you prefer your women dumb. But if that's the case you're probably not going to take a damn thing from this anyway.
45) Try not to fall in love with your friends...this can lead to 9 kinds of awkwardness and can end friendships
46) And don't fuck your friends, but feel free to bang the ever living hell out of your acquaintances. Remember that a true friend is worth a thousand fucks.
47) And remember that most of this is bollocks, no two women are alike and there is no magic advice...
Reverend's Treatise on Dating:
1) As any man knows, fights between women can get downright nasty and brutal, therefore, it is imperative that any man should commit to memory the following two phrases:
None of my business
and
Not my problem
2) Based on my experience when women get defense no good can come out of anything further that you say. Having said this, I recommend that you interpret anything else you hear as "exit stage left, followed by a bear"
3) Apologies are usually a good idea but not always. There are indeed times when the words "I'm Sorry" will do nothing but fan the flames. But stay calm and don't stress trying to figure out when those times are, simply because it's impossible to really know until the fecal matter intersects with the oscillating air handler.
4) There is some truth to the aphorism that all women are insane, but only as a subset of the fact that all people are insane. I'm not even going to try to attempt to bullshit that we possessors of y chromosomes are by any means sane. Having grown up as males and with other males we are more used to our own particular forms of insanity. I mean come on, grown men stressing over who can throw a ball the best?
5) Honesty is not always the best policy. Don't interpret this to mean "what she doesn't know won't hurt me" but just bear in mind that not all women want to be told that it's not the skirt making her arse look fat.
6) Relax, sometimes it is just her.
7) Oh who the hell am I kidding, if it really is just her you're screwed.
8) ...and don't forget that it can just as easily be your asinine self.
9) Never hesitate to give of yourself. It can be done much more often than giving of your wallet and will be more appreciated.
10) As a corollary to the above, if you're with someone who doesn't appreciate when you give of yourself, jump ship. Few things in life are as frustrating as not being appreciated. (on a side note the ones that don't appreciate things also seem to be the one's to complain about chivalry being dead)
11) If you're going to cook, actually cook, don't slack off and make her do all the work.
12) When you think you have her figured out, pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to a cold beer and have a good laugh at your ability to bullshit yourself.
13) Hold open doors. Do I really need to explain this?
14) She's had sex with other people before you, in fact that mouth you are kissing has probably had a few cocks in it. If you really can't handle this fact, you've got more issues than I can cover here. Everyone has a past, even you. If you're an adult chances are quite rare that you're going to find a virgin, and besides (again, based on personal experience) they're overrated. I'd prefer someone that actually knows what they're doing.
15) On the subject of sex....GET YOURSELF TESTED REGULARLY. To fail to do so is to be irresponsible and disrespectful to anyone you shall sleep with in the future.
16) Also, realize that not every woman out there loves giving blowjobs or taking it up the arse..ask yourself...is it really that big a deal?
17) And early on, do yourself the favour of asking what's on her "no list"...this can save much pain and grief down the road.
18) Be nice to her friends even if you can't stand them...especially if you can't stand them. They were around before you and will probably outlast you. If you give a damn about her you don't want all of her friends that she goes to for advice telling her what a bastard you are.
19) Don't try to impress. Most people are to hamhanded about it and it seems to work much better when your actions, deliberate or not are impressive.
20) Relationships require sacrifice so do not hesitate to sacrifice to compromise. At that same time, be sure that you're not the only one making sacrifices.
21) Don't be that jealous possessive guy. Either you trust her or you don't. If you don't, why are you with her anyway?
22) Some of your friends will think she's hot, take this as a compliment.
23) Some of your friends will think she's downright ugly...don't get upset, everyone has their own tastes.
24) Every so often go all out for a date. Dinner and a movie is lame and routine. Go to a nice restaurant, maybe followed with a carriage ride or an evening of dancing, when going all out remember what she likes to do.
25) Listen. This can be very painful and dull, but not nearly as bad as the consequences of not listening.
26) When you're bored, consider leaving. It's stupid for you and unfair to her to continue when you're not really there.
27) Be yourself, especially when meeting family and friends of said woman. Just tone some things down, if you're not sure what to tone down...ask a friend...and grow up....
28) Save the abortion jokes...it's hit or miss with a female audience and the misses are more common and bigger.
29) Occasionally ask yourself what you are wanting and if you are getting it. This saves you confusion, heartache and is a great tool for defining your relationships.
30) Listen to your female friends more than your male friends.
31) And if she has a problem with you having female friends, jump ship.
32) Do not be afraid to say "I love you"...but only if you know you mean it.
33) And for gods sake, don't say it for the first time during sex.
35) And on the subject of sex, make it about her...trust me...this is well worth the effort.
36) Keep everything in perspective. Accept that life will not always be a walk in the park and always look on the shiny side of things.
37)...and when you're single and at the bar and you see that hot blonde on her own, remember that somewhere out there some guy is sick of putting up with her shit.
38) Never look to settle down, when you do that you settle. Take life one day at a time and you will eventually find someone you will want to settle down with. When you look, you take what you can get instead of letting life happen.
39) It's imperative to find common ground musically. If for nothing else no common ground here can make time in a car a living hell. There will either be silence or a constant back and forth between what you consider good music (say, The Who) and what she considers good music (Say, Maroon 5 ::shudder::).
40) Don't be a doormat, but don't be the one walking over one either.
41) Always try to make her laugh.
42) Try to remember what stories you've told her, this way maybe you can avoid boring the shit out of her.
43) Don't talk about work.
44) Try to learn one thing from her ever day. Unless she's an idiot and you prefer your women dumb. But if that's the case you're probably not going to take a damn thing from this anyway.
45) Try not to fall in love with your friends...this can lead to 9 kinds of awkwardness and can end friendships
46) And don't fuck your friends, but feel free to bang the ever living hell out of your acquaintances. Remember that a true friend is worth a thousand fucks.
47) And remember that most of this is bollocks, no two women are alike and there is no magic advice...
Monday, April 21, 2008
To my Friends
Without you I couldn't make it through all of this with my sanity intact. You all have my eternal love and thanks for the loyalty and support you have shown me throughout all these trials as of late. While we shall learn what tomorrow shall hold we all know that "ephemerals shall not know time enough for love."
Specifically:
Dodgy: Thank you for literally holding me when I could not stand and in turns being my nurse, taxi driver, secretary and shoulder to cry on.
Andrea: As always, you keep me sane and grounded. You have been my voice of reason and calm for over a decade now and as I've needed you more than every you have risen to the occasion and made me feel loved, appreciated, valued, and most of all you have given me the sense of security that no matter what happens I know you will be there to hold my hand through any bad times and to lift me up through the good times.
Katie: When I have needed a laugh you always bring me up and slap me with a good dose of silliness that would make Michael Palin wince.
Kelly: While we've come a long way from mocking the pro life nuts on Laurens Rd I know that would you were here you would again bandage my wounds.
Dov: For your reminders of stoicism you also bring me perspective when I start to slip.
My thanks to you all and always yours,
Aaron
Specifically:
Dodgy: Thank you for literally holding me when I could not stand and in turns being my nurse, taxi driver, secretary and shoulder to cry on.
Andrea: As always, you keep me sane and grounded. You have been my voice of reason and calm for over a decade now and as I've needed you more than every you have risen to the occasion and made me feel loved, appreciated, valued, and most of all you have given me the sense of security that no matter what happens I know you will be there to hold my hand through any bad times and to lift me up through the good times.
Katie: When I have needed a laugh you always bring me up and slap me with a good dose of silliness that would make Michael Palin wince.
Kelly: While we've come a long way from mocking the pro life nuts on Laurens Rd I know that would you were here you would again bandage my wounds.
Dov: For your reminders of stoicism you also bring me perspective when I start to slip.
My thanks to you all and always yours,
Aaron
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Stress
This is really starting to take it's toll on my physically.
Work has been putting me through a lot of stress as of this past week (and don't get me started on the SCHIP renewal Act I'm having to review) and I guess this weekend just has pushed me over the physiological edge. I guess this is the end result of rarely expressing myself.
Despite everything I can't bring myself to cry...I'd like to...but just really can't. Now I've got massive nausea and my usual lower back problems are paying me their semi-annual visit early. On top of all of this I've got to fly to LA for the day this Wednesday which will be a very long and boring day.
I find myself torn between wanting companionship and wanting to just be left alone, between talking to someone about how I feel and just ignoring it, between wanting to just kill off all emotions and embracing them.
Here's hoping I'm still employed Wednesday night...
Work has been putting me through a lot of stress as of this past week (and don't get me started on the SCHIP renewal Act I'm having to review) and I guess this weekend just has pushed me over the physiological edge. I guess this is the end result of rarely expressing myself.
Despite everything I can't bring myself to cry...I'd like to...but just really can't. Now I've got massive nausea and my usual lower back problems are paying me their semi-annual visit early. On top of all of this I've got to fly to LA for the day this Wednesday which will be a very long and boring day.
I find myself torn between wanting companionship and wanting to just be left alone, between talking to someone about how I feel and just ignoring it, between wanting to just kill off all emotions and embracing them.
Here's hoping I'm still employed Wednesday night...
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Yit-gadal V'yit-kadash
So that now that I'm drunker than I've been in recent memory (although one could make the argument that if I were to be this drunk I may not actually recollect) I guess I'm for a change drunk enough to actually be open about how I feel.
This is why I tend not to give a damn about people or let them into my life...they keep dying.
For those that don't know, 'Zanne, 'Zette and I used to have a poly going on but we ended it for the good of several things. She's not the first ex of mine to die but I can't say we weren't still close (for obvious reasons). So between that, shit at work, and my personal life, this past fortnight has been an emotional roller coaster of immense proportions.
All in all, I'm very luck to have the friends that I do. While I do not have may that I care for in the valley many friends from back in the days of yon did take the time to check in on me and keep me sane and to all of you I give my thanks.
Next year at the tree ne?
This is why I tend not to give a damn about people or let them into my life...they keep dying.
For those that don't know, 'Zanne, 'Zette and I used to have a poly going on but we ended it for the good of several things. She's not the first ex of mine to die but I can't say we weren't still close (for obvious reasons). So between that, shit at work, and my personal life, this past fortnight has been an emotional roller coaster of immense proportions.
All in all, I'm very luck to have the friends that I do. While I do not have may that I care for in the valley many friends from back in the days of yon did take the time to check in on me and keep me sane and to all of you I give my thanks.
Next year at the tree ne?
"What a Day it Has Been"
Last night a dear friend of mine and singer that I play with chose self-euthanasia. She's had MS and it finally reared it's ugly head and given that she chose to end her life, which I can understand.
Her body is being sent back to her family in Russia for burial but we had our own small service and wake this morning. I was asked to give the eulogy which was 9 kinds of awkward and rushed but it wasn't like I could say no. Then we had the wake...
I was the most reserved one there (big surprise ne?) given that I fully support euthanasia and I could understand this for what it was. Everyone else was just confused, hurt and angry and my relative lack of emotion made me well, a target I guess. Everyone was getting plastered or stoned at the wake so I only stayed for a few hours or so, we played a few songs to send her off and then I left...
I get home and then I feel like I'm walking out of "The Would Be Gentleman." Jill got drunk and was wanting to fight....so of course I get called back there to try to calm her down...WTF?
Let's face it, dealing with emotional people is not my thing. She's drunker than I can ever recall being, runs up to me to start hammering her fists on my chest in that ever so cliché female way then hugs me and starts crying, then asks me to fuck her, then passes out...so I laid her on the couch and got the hell out of there.
I'm just really pissed off right now. They all seemed to think that because I wasn't running around crying my eyes out with my heart bleeding upon my sleeve that I was perfectly able to be a shoulder to cry on for them. Granted I know that I don't exactly have emotions like most people do but I still have them.
And in an irony of timing this really relates to the squabble Katie and I had yesterday afternoon where she was criticizing me for "never letting anyone into my life" and while that is for the most part true there is a reason for that...most people I've met throughout my life are walking wastes of nucleotides that should have been drowned at birth or scandalous momzers that I can't depend on and are thusly ignored. Granted, this has a downside as the only person that I probably would talk to is off getting some old, embarrassing ink altered but quite frankly I'll deal.
Will it be in the most healthy way? Probably not, but that's just who I am and I'm really starting to get sick of people thinking that I'm broken and need fixing.
Yes, I am cynical. Yes, there have been some things in my life that I will probably never get over. But I still get out of bed each morning and face life with all the shit that it entails and I have no plans on using a revolver to reorganize my cranium so I'll just sum it up with this:
If you want to talk with me, that's fine, call...If you want to burden me with your opinions of how fucked up I am...sod off and keep them to yourself...
Her body is being sent back to her family in Russia for burial but we had our own small service and wake this morning. I was asked to give the eulogy which was 9 kinds of awkward and rushed but it wasn't like I could say no. Then we had the wake...
I was the most reserved one there (big surprise ne?) given that I fully support euthanasia and I could understand this for what it was. Everyone else was just confused, hurt and angry and my relative lack of emotion made me well, a target I guess. Everyone was getting plastered or stoned at the wake so I only stayed for a few hours or so, we played a few songs to send her off and then I left...
I get home and then I feel like I'm walking out of "The Would Be Gentleman." Jill got drunk and was wanting to fight....so of course I get called back there to try to calm her down...WTF?
Let's face it, dealing with emotional people is not my thing. She's drunker than I can ever recall being, runs up to me to start hammering her fists on my chest in that ever so cliché female way then hugs me and starts crying, then asks me to fuck her, then passes out...so I laid her on the couch and got the hell out of there.
I'm just really pissed off right now. They all seemed to think that because I wasn't running around crying my eyes out with my heart bleeding upon my sleeve that I was perfectly able to be a shoulder to cry on for them. Granted I know that I don't exactly have emotions like most people do but I still have them.
And in an irony of timing this really relates to the squabble Katie and I had yesterday afternoon where she was criticizing me for "never letting anyone into my life" and while that is for the most part true there is a reason for that...most people I've met throughout my life are walking wastes of nucleotides that should have been drowned at birth or scandalous momzers that I can't depend on and are thusly ignored. Granted, this has a downside as the only person that I probably would talk to is off getting some old, embarrassing ink altered but quite frankly I'll deal.
Will it be in the most healthy way? Probably not, but that's just who I am and I'm really starting to get sick of people thinking that I'm broken and need fixing.
Yes, I am cynical. Yes, there have been some things in my life that I will probably never get over. But I still get out of bed each morning and face life with all the shit that it entails and I have no plans on using a revolver to reorganize my cranium so I'll just sum it up with this:
If you want to talk with me, that's fine, call...If you want to burden me with your opinions of how fucked up I am...sod off and keep them to yourself...
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Leg deinen Kopf an meine Schulter...
Semaine passé quand j'ai bu trop j'ai demandé un question à une jeune fille dans une chision. Nous avons eu un peu des rendez-vous et je crois qu'elle est une fille que je peux passerai des temps avec dans une contexte plus formale mais elle n'est pas prépare pour ca.
Las, je peux ecouter une chansone de Mark Knophler (mais je préfère l'arrangement par Amy Ray)...c'est ma vie, non? Je crois que c'etait que mon amie Shawn appele un <> (Comment on ca dit en francias? Je ne sais pas).
Vraiment, je ne suis pas en train de chercher d'une copine mais je peux me voir 'vec elle si le future ce poser, mais je ne crois pas qu'elle peut.
Je dois decider pour la quitterai et me garder ma sante ou prende le risque. Dans la passé, en ces situations je retainer mes espers et j'ai été blessé avant la fin.
Qu'est-ce que je dois fair?
Je ne sais pais et je crois que je dois reste & croire plus.
Las, je peux ecouter une chansone de Mark Knophler (mais je préfère l'arrangement par Amy Ray)...c'est ma vie, non? Je crois que c'etait que mon amie Shawn appele un <
Vraiment, je ne suis pas en train de chercher d'une copine mais je peux me voir 'vec elle si le future ce poser, mais je ne crois pas qu'elle peut.
Je dois decider pour la quitterai et me garder ma sante ou prende le risque. Dans la passé, en ces situations je retainer mes espers et j'ai été blessé avant la fin.
Qu'est-ce que je dois fair?
Je ne sais pais et je crois que je dois reste & croire plus.
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